Frelia Goes Apeshit: A Love Story
by burakkichu
Summary: plot summaries? bah! who needs plot summaries? this is just pure OOC idiocy! but there really is a love story behind it all...well, maybe.
1. Chapter 1

Frelia Goes Apes#*t: A Love Story

One day, Frelia said, "Fuck it!" and walked out of her magical room of peas, leaving Shun to run the whole damn show. Shun said, "Bguh?", and squeezing his Frelia plushie tightly in his teeth, he bravely embarked on a quest to retrieve his beloved Ladyship and drag her back to do her flippin' job. But where could his Ladyship have gone? Shun sat down and licked the naughty bits of his Frelia plushie, deep in thought.

At the very same time, Frelia started gasping with pleasure for some reason while sitting in the passenger seat aboard an airship she hitched a ride from that was on its way to deliver a buttload of bagels to the Slums. "Biku-biku" sound effects flashed beside her. The driver guy thought his lucky day had finally come. Saucy-lookin' greenhead, sexy moans, easily removable clothes - them bagels could wait. He parked in midair, and moved in on the chick. She bitch-slapped him with her wings. He fell over on the airbrake handle, accidentally releasing it. They fell like an anvil into the Sea of Death. Some poor, starving, impoverished little IPD girl who depended on those welfare bagels for her daily sustenance went hungry that day.

"I know! I'll go ask for help from that dorky-sounding kid with the glasses!" Shun cried. But at Croix's house, life was unhappy. He was caught in the middle of a bitch-fest. "Croix is mine!" Cloche screamed. "I've known him longer!" Luca screamed back. "I've got bigger boobs, and you know Croix likes 'em big!" Cloche shouted. Luca tried to make the top-heavy Cloche fall over by shoving her shoulders. "Why me?" Croix mumbled. "Because I love you!" Luca and Cloche cried together. "No, I love him!" yelled Luca. "No, I!" yelled Cloche. But then Croix raged. "Shut pie-holes!" he shouted. Then Jacqli sauntered up to him. "I'm naked," she said. Croix punched her. "At least put some damn panties on!" he cried, pulling three Cocona-sized pairs of panties out of his pockets and throwing them at her. Luca was aghast. "You just punched a girl!" she squealed. Croix punched Luca too.

"On second thought I'll go ask someone else," Shun said, and bowled over a gaggle of Pippens as he dashed away.

Cloche whipped out a piccolo and blew that Willy Wonka tune for calling Oompa-Loompas. Five beefy Grand Bell goons trotted in and clapped Croix in irons. Cloche whipped out her blade. "Cad! Misogynist! You shall pay for [-cut stupid righteous speech-] ass! Take him away!" "Yeah, yeah," Croix said, "at least in jail I'll be away from you three." They left. Luca was still sobbing from the punch. Naked Jacqli patted her and started kneading her shoulders. "There, there. Who needs men, anyway? Let's you and me have a go upstairs, whaddya say?" Luca ran away, vomiting as she went.

"Oh well, time to go piss off old people. Toodles," Jacqli said to the little girl still standing in the corner. Cocona, alone in the house now, had watched the whole thing with horror and despair. "If that's what it's gonna be like to be a grown woman, I'm gonna go kill myself," she thought. So Cocona killed herself.

Three seconds later, Frelia burst out from the clouds, soaring on her fairy wings and carrying a buttload of bagels. "Nyahaha! Fuck you, Sea of Death!" she cried. But without her singing, Metafalss was going rickety. A giant piece of fallen land smacked her on the noggin. Bagels flew everywhere. Frelia said, "Guh!" and fell back into the Sea.

So Shun went to Chester. "Chester!" he cried.

Chester whirled around and held out a brand new plushie from the Fancy Shop. "Heyyy, Shun! Check this out! It's a plushie of me! Ain't it sexy?"

Shun ripped the plushie from Chester's hands and tore its head off.

"B'awwww!" said Chester.

"Lookit, Chet! This is serious!"

"I don't take seriously anybody who says, 'Lookit'," Chester pouted.

"Frelia left!"

"Bloogh! Our Ladyship of Green Giddy Giggles? Left? B-But-but-but-b-but-b-b-b-"

Shun whacked Chester.

"But why!"

"I dunno...she just said 'Fuck it' and walked out."

"Hmm..." said Chester, deep in thought as he paced, while Shun gnawed nervously on his Frelia plushie, drooling. "...'Fuck it'...hmm..."

Chester stopped and raised his finger. At the very same time, somewhere a D-wave cooker dinged. "It would appear that Our Ladyship has gone apeshit," he said.

The wind went "hwoooo" between them for four seconds while the news sank in.

"Ratcrap," said Shun, sucking in drool. "Then there's no timeth to lose!" he said, running off. We musteth findeth her! ASAPeth!"

"Hold on-eth! Lemme fetcheth muh 'ritos!" said Chester, scrambling to the D-wave cooker and pulling out hot foodage. "Heh, '-eth'...wish I'd thought of that first," he thought. And together they bravely embarked on a quest to collar their beloved Ladyship by the scruff of her neck and drag her back to do her flippin' job.


	2. Chapter 2

a/n: i notice that this site is auto replacing my exaggerated punctuation with single punctuation marks. extremely annoying. but i'm too lazy to make an alternate version that's compatible here.

so if you want to see all the punctuation as was intended, goggle A Reyvateil's Melody and go to the Silver Horn board. this fic's posted there also.

blah.

* * *

Elsewhere, over in Cloche's personal chambers, Alfman was mad. "I mad!" he bellowed at Cloche. "Why'd you throw that boy in the clink! Our Grand Bell Ka-nig-its aren't your personal vengeance squad!" Cloche blew on her piccolo. Ten beefy Grand Bell goons trotted in. "This pervert exposed his schlong in my presence!" she pointed accusingly. "Take him away!" Alfman protested his innocence. Ten fists to the face shut him up. Alfman had to be carried out. "Kewl, now _I'm_ in charge," said Cloche, rubbing her hands and sneering giddily over the panorama of her new dominion. "Now, what to do first...oh yeah! Gergo shit!" she beamed. "I'll make this a land where I never have to hide my fangirlishness again! Hwahahahaha!" And bravely she embarked on a quest to cover the land in Gergo shit, singing many song magics and enacting many laws in the process. "Boo! Gergo sucks!" one boy protested. Cloche had him and his whole family dragged off to Gergo Re-Education Camp to have their spirits broken. "We all must prepare our hearts as we enter this new age of Gergo," she smiled happily at them from a pre-recorded message during camp orientation. The family was a bit miffed.

Down in the Grand Bell dungeons, Croix was laid back, feeling at ease. "Ahh...peace and quiet at last..."

"Hey, buddy...what'cha in for?" said a girl in a nearby cell. Croix looked up to see the luscious Amarie.

"Aw, shit! You got boobs!"

"What?"

Croix scrambled away from her and pointed accusingly. "You keep your ba-ta-yas away from me! I'm done with chicks!"

Amarie raged. "I kill-ee!" she screamed. She lunged at the bars, straining to reach Croix through them, ba-ta-yas squeezing through. Madly she began gnawing at the bars and snarling. Surprisingly, the bars gave way in her jaws. "Who knew," she blinked. Snarling some more, she bit and chewed through bars until she was inside Croix's cell, where she charged and pinned him against the wall with her body. "What was that you said!" she scowled, gritting her cracked and broken teeth. "I dare you to say that again!" "That again!" Croix yelled. "C'mon! Say it again!" Amarie screamed. "Where are your cuspids?" Croix yelled.

And suddenly, Amarie's face softened. Feeling her chest against his...her whole body flushing...she said in an entirely different tone of voice, "C'mon...say it again." "Don't breathe on me like that," Croix grimaced. "I can't help it," Amarie breathed huskily. "It's been a while since I've had..."

And she planted a wet one right on Croix's kisser. Croix ran forward. Lip-locked Amarie ran backward. Croix ran her straight into another wall of dungeon bars. Amarie klonged the back of her head and took a sudden nap on the floor. "There's something _wro-o-o-ong_ with the girls of this world," Croix shuddered. "I'd better go kill Cocona before she ends up like that." And hastily he hopped through the holes in the bars Amarie had gnawed, and skipped out of the dungeons...

...and ran smack into two government soldiers wearing Gergo ears on their heads.

"Mwehe, just the four-eyes we wuz lookin' fer," the front man said, grabbing Croix.

"The hell is that on your head! You're a disgrace to the uniform! I used to be a Grand Bell Knight, ya know!"

"It's _Gergo_ Bell Knights now, pinhead," the soldier grinned cruelly. "And the Holy Maiden of Cute wants teh see youse. But first," he said, turning to the other soldier, "ah thinks he needs teh go th'oo teh _purification ceremony_ before we take 'im teh see Her Kawaiiness, eh, Paulie-waulie?"

"Gergo-riffic!" Paulie-waulie grinned, shooting a thumbs-up.

"On second thought, maybe I should just go kill myself instead," lamented Croix.

Thirteen horrendous minutes later, Croix was shoved out onto a high, lonely platform, decked out in Gergo and Pippen merch from head to toe, with Gergo ears of his own glued to his head. The door slammed shut behind him. Lady Cloche, stood silently, waiting, her back to him.

"Croix," she said meaningfully. "You love me, don't you?"

"No."

"How can you answer so quickly?" she spat, stamping her foot. She whirled around. "Don't you know that-ZOMG YOU LOOK SO ADORABLE! NYUUUUUU!" she squealed, crazily dashing towards him with outstretched arms to crush him in death glomps. Croix recoiled at Cloche's appearance. She had encrusted herself with more cute accessories than 62 elementary schoolgirls. Croix prepared to respond the only way he knew how - to sock her lights out. He wound up his fist.

Cloche braked and whipped out her blade. "Hit me, and you die!" she boomed. Croix eyeballed the new katana poking at his jugular. It was Pippen-themed, but looked a whole lot deadlier than her old blade.

"I wanna go home," Croix sobbed.

"But what are you saying, my dear Croix?" Cloche said sweetly. "You _are_ home!"

"Eh?"

"It's all settled," Cloche smiled. "I'm taking you in as my lover and forever-one-and-only Diving partner. Now don't worry, don't worry - you don't owe me a thing. Your room will be just across the hall from my chambers. Ooh-hoo-hoo, I can hardly wait for those late-night trysts...sneaking across the hall wearing only our PJs - or maybe nothing! - to join each other in our private rooms! Nyuuu! But will I be sneaking to your room? Or will you be sneaking to mine?"

Cloche was drooling now. Croix was transfixed in horror.

"And even if you don't love me now," Cloche slobbered, "I'm sure you'll learn to love me over time. After all," she winked, "I got the big'uns!" She playfully slapped her breastises. They jiggled. Croix thought about clawing his eyes out.

"I-I'm sorry...I don't dig chicks anymore," Croix lied. "I think I'm becoming gay."

"Nice try," Cloche smirked. "But your eyes haven't once looked above my collarbone in the entire two minutes you've been here. I know where your heads truly lie."

"Damn puberty," Croix gritted. Desperately he tried to think of something to get his mind and eyes off of Cloche's hot bod. A breakfast incident with young Cocona sprung to mind. She had loved oatmeal. One day she discovered chocolate syrup. And strawberries. And graham crackers, and marshmallows, and a small number of baking spices. She put them all in her oatmeal, loving it so much that she ate six bowls worth. Then she threw it up all over the table and floor. She no longer loved oatmeal. Or strawberries. Or graham crackers, marshmallows, or a small number of baking spices. Croix remembered exactly how it all had looked as he recalled spending the next 16 minutes and 43 seconds cleaning it all up.

"Are you okay, Croix? You look ill."

_Yes! My chance to escape!_ "Uh...I think I'd better go lie down," Croix mumbled. "This is all so sudden, and...maybe I just need a little rest."

"Of course, Croix, of course," Cloche said kindly. Snapping her fingers, she summoned some Gergo goons to have Croix escorted to his new digs. Once they had left him, Croix hopped out of there and sneaked about the halls, looking for a way to escape.


	3. Chapter 3

Meanwhile, down in the underworld, Cocona was having a breakfast of stale corn flakes and dry, crusty bagels. That's all the suicides ever got to eat down there, besides fried maggots and poo chips - - 'twas their punishment. "This sucks!" Cocona frowned. And bravely she embarked on a quest to escape from Hades and reenter the world of the living. But first, she stopped by Hell's registration office and angrily scribbled a note and stuffed it in the tiny box marked, "Complaints". "Why for you to punish me for teh suicide? It's MY LIFE, DAMMIT! EAT YOUR OWN MAGGOT SHIT, YOU FUCKING MORALISTS! Love and Hugs, Cocona B." it read.

"But hm. If I'm dead, I guess I have to possess somebody if I want to go back to the not-dead world," Cocona mused as she stood in the strange, weird gap between realms. "But who should I possess? Ooh! Maybe a boy! I've always wondered what it was like to walk around without old women going 'What a cute girl!' and 'Isn't she darling?' and 'Kyaa!' and 'Uguu!' at me all over the place. And maybe old men will stop giving me creepy looks! That settles it. Off we go, nyaha!" And off she went to find a young boy to possess.

Stumbling upon a heavily guarded encampment that was overflowing with cute, Cocona spied a boy looking wistfully out of a barred window. She noticed that the bars were decorated with ribbons and loads of chibi animals.

"The fuck?" she shuddered. "What's that creepy shit about? Oh well. Let's go invade some soul space! Mwehehe...I wonder if this is kinda like Diving," she grinned mischievously while at the same time blushing slightly.

Diving into the boy, she scootched up close to his soul. "Hey. How ya doin'?" she said, spiritually tapping him on the shoulder.

"UWAAAAUGH!" he screeched.

"UWAAAAUGH!" Cocona screeched back. "You scared me!"

"I scared _you?_ WHAT _ARE_ YOU?"

"I'm a _girl_, duh!"

"But how - - who - - what - -?"

"Well, I'm dead, but the afterlife was a rip. So I came back to have some more fun!"

"Wh-wh-what do you want with me?"

"I need a body to walk around in, and you're it. Lucky you!" she smiled. An anime _twink_ sound effect played.

"Daddyyyy!" the boy cried, running for the nearest doorway. Quickly Cocona took possession of his body and stopped him cold.

"Oh, come now...this could be a lot of fuuu-uuun..." she teased playfully in a softly hushed tone. "I'll even let you take a peek inside my Cosmosphere, anytime you like. I think I should still be able to access the data..."

"Wa-wa-wa-wa..."

"Or I can even help you cheat on tests...I can sneak out and look at others' answers, sneak back in and tell you, and no one would ever know..."

The boy was sweating bullets. "...I gotta pee..." he whimpered.

Cocona felt the emergency in his body. Releasing him, he sped off to the nearest potty with her still inside. In a flash he had his pants unzipped and was taking care of business.

"UWAAAAUGH!" Cocona cried out, embarrassed to the core. "I totally didn't think about this part!"

"What? What?" the boy cried, panicking from Cocona's panicking, the stream flopping about crazily.

"This is - - but you - - and I'm a - - !" Cocona stammered. She suddenly took possession of his hands, ripping them away from the task at hand to cover her/his eyes.

"Wha? Hey! Don't do that! It's going everywhere!" he cried.

"UWAAAAUGH! Now it's touched my eyes! I mean your eyes!"

"Gimme my hands back!"

"No! You're gonna touch it!"

"I gotta point it!"

"I don't wanna do anything perverted!"

"It's not perverted! What's 'perverted'?"

"Wha?" Cocona released his hands, surprised by his display of innocence. The boy finally finished up his business. His pants had gotten wet all over from the commotion. He was a bit too pissed to be scared now.

"Sheez...this is why I don't like girls. Girls are so _weird_," the boy pouted as he cleaned up.

Cocona blushed. _Ohhhhh. Eheehee, he's not into girls yet. This is so cute!_ she squealed to herself.

Later, they sat before each other on the floor in formal Japanese fashion, to talk serious business. Well, the boy sat. Cocona floated.

"This is awesome. It's so much easier to sit like this without real legs!" Cocona chirred.

"Hurry up, already! My feet are falling asleep!" the boy griped.

Cocona cleared her throat - - symbolically. "So...you'll be my body in this world, right?"

"Yeah..."

"And in exchange, I pop you out of this Gergo Concentration Camp or whatever, right?"

"Gergo Re-Education Camp," he corrected out of reflex. They made him memorize it upon fear of pain. "And my dad too, right?"

"And your dad, too. Wait, what about your mom and sister? Didn't you say you had - -?"

"Well...they're already..."

The boy's mom and sister walked by, looking scarily Gergo-fied. "Gergonii-chan!" Sis cried. "When're you gonna come watch For The Love Of Gergo VII with us, Gergonii-chan?"

"It may be a kid's movie, but it's so good even your mama likes it!" his mother said with an empty-eyed plastic grin. "I've seen it eight times!"

"Hey! Did I hear you talking to yourself before we came in, Gergonii-chan?"

"Oh, oh! You see what happens when you resist the righteous glory of Gergo?" his mother chided. "You become mentally deficient. You start talking to yourself, develop facial twitches," she said, her face twitching, "and become depressed, anti-social, and suicidal. But the solution is easy! Gergo Is Love!" She wrapped her arms around her Gergo-eared daughter lovingly. "Come, my child. Lets us go bask in the joy of Gergo once more..."

"Yay!" the girl squealed.

"Your brother will come 'round soon enough...soon enough..." she said, staring at him out of the corner of her eye.

They left.

"My stomach hurts now," Cocona said. "And I don't even have one anymore."

"Y'see?" said the boy. "So let's just leave 'em here 'cuz they've gone all stupid."

"Okay. But oh! There's one more thing. You're gonna have to dress up like a girl now."

"What? Why?"

"Because I have to wear twintails."

"So?"

"And I want to look pretty."

"_I_ don't!"

"Lookit! If I gotta touch your thing everytime you gotta go pee, you owe me!"

"Fine! Whatever! Girls are so _stupid!_ And gross!"

Cocona sneered and gave a twisted grin. "Ohhh, you say that now, but you just wait...one day you'll _looove_ us, eheheheheheheh..."

"Blegkh! I'll NEVER like girls!"

And so, using her supernatural-slash-Reyvateil powers of awesome, Cocona opened up a path for the boy and his dad to escape from the camp. Two Gergo guards hustled up and blocked their path. Cocona spooked the shit out of them. They ran away with shit in their pants. Lady Cloche personally flogged them for letting two anti-Gergo subversives escape...and for soiling the glory of their Gergo uniforms. But being whipped by The High Mistress Of Cute herself made it all worthwhile. In being a servant of Lady Cloche, one soon learned that Pain Is Joy.


	4. Chapter 4

Far below Gergo Bell Hall, Frelia was being rapidly siphoned up the Tower's massive water pump system. Easily holding her breath from a few hundred years worth of practice in that Dive machine tube, she angrily glided along up the pipe.

"Fucking Metafalss!" she growled inwardly. "You owe me a buttload of bagels, dammit!"

Far above, Leglius was done with his work for the day at long last. Entering a large private bathtub, he stripped down and prepared to settle in for a relaxing soak. "Sigh...ever since that Holy Maiden of Butt-Busters took over it's been nothing but work, work, work. Alfman never drove us this hard. But oh well, at least now I can finally have a few minutes to fap in peace..."

The tub had a giant spiggot big enough for a loli to fit through, and sure enough, shortly after he turned on the water to fill the tub, Frelia gushed out.

"What the - - ?" Leglius said, jumping. But when Frelia stood up, showing herself full-length in her swimsuit-like outfit, the water droplets glistening beautifully on her bare legs, wings, and back, Leglius' expression softened.

"Heyyy...would you mind standing there like that for the next ten minutes?" he grinned at her. Frelia stomped on his boy parts and stormed out.

Leglius watched her delectable figure in silhouette as she stomped out into the lighted hall. He couldn't stop staring. "I must have her," he squeaked in a funny-sounding voice.

Meanwhile, over among some desert-colored hilltops near Mint Block, Chester was riding on Shun as if he were a burro. Chester felt cool, and very Mexican.

"The only thing I'm missing now is a sombergalow," Chester mused, mispronouncing the ancient word.

"Off!" Shun said, shrugging violently. "Walk on your own feets!"

"Hey, me feets get more tired than you'ses! The weight isn't as distributed!"

"Oh, and you think it's all fun and giggles having to look like this for 700 years, eh?" Shun spat.

"Hey, hey, easy there, Lassie. Why so uptight?"

"Why do you think? My mistress is missing!" Shun sobbed, once again gnawing nervously on his Frelia plushie and slucking on the soaked-in drool.

"So why are we wasting time just walking around? Why don't you just do that glowing spinny-circle thing of yours and we just _appear_ wherever Her Greenness is?"

Shun stopped.

And paused.

And froze.

And felt like a complete dumbshit.

Without saying a word, Shun grabbed Chester, hauled him aboard his back once more, and commenced summoning the glowing spinny-circle thing.

"And Mama said I didn't have any brains," Chester smirked amidst the brilliant light just before they vanished.

Back at the palace, Croix was feeling very action-adventure-game-like. Sneaking about the palace halls, avoiding the eyesight of soldiers, he was beginning to think that all those times Cocona had forced him to play through those "avoid-the-guards" minigames in the Legend of Zethpa series - - also known as the Legend of Slice'n'Dice - - because she couldn't get past those parts hadn't gone to waste after all. He made a mental note to thank her for that before he killed her.

Rounding a corner, he suddenly stopped short. Frelia was coming. Croix was transfixed. Still dripping wet, her large butterfly wings and antennae-like hair sprouts sparkling with water drops, Croix thought about getting a giant net. This was one sexy butterfly he'd like to add to his collection.

He stood still as she approached.

He wanted to say something to her as she walked past.

What should he say?

He wanted to make it good.

She was almost right up to him now. _C'mon, think quick, Croix!_ he told himself.

Faster than he could think, Frelia decked him with a single Goddess-punch.

"Fuck you!" she blasted at him, never breaking her stride.

Croix watched her retreating legs from the floor, adjusting his broken glasses. There was something wro-o-o-ong with her, too. But somehow...her angelic greenery...the absolute pure murder written in her golden eyes...her presence had penetrated his anti-girlishness straight to his aorta.

"I must have her," he breathed to himself.

Two seconds later, a glowing spinny-circle thing appeared just ahead of Frelia. Shun and Chester sprouted out of it.

"Lady Frelia!" Shun cried.

"I ate beans!" Chester cried.

Frelia stopped. Scowling hard, she leapt back and picked up Croix by the neck.

"Back off, shitfucks!" she shouted. "Or the squirrely kid dies!"

"Actually, I'm ok with this," Croix crackled blissfully in a dreamy, strangled voice.

"Wha - - ? But...my Lady! Why did you leave?" Shun cried.

_Kewl...shitfuck,_ Chester thought to himself.

"Go fuck yourself, Shun!" Frelia screamed, squeezing harder. "I HATE YOU!" Croix's lips were turning blue.

Shun's eyes bugged.

Chester whipped out a giant dustpan and a broom.

Shun turned gray, cracked, and fell into a bunch of crumbly gray pieces.

"Knew this was gonna happen," Chester said, feeling proud of himself as he commenced sweeping up Shun-bits. "Dad would beat me senseless for not being prepared...well, LOOKIT ME NOW, DAD!" he cried, raising his broom and dustpan high in triumph. The Shun-bits he had just swept up flew everywhere.

"Dammit," he said.

Croix was about to pass out. "Bkglkh..." he muttered.

Frelia gasped and shot a look at Croix. "Bagels? You have BAGELS? Shit!" And using Croix as a battering ram, she flew into the air and crashed through a fancy palace window. Croix lost a lot of blood on the sharp glass. But he was happy.

_I'm flying with the girl of my dreams..._ he thought gladly as his blood pressure dropped precipitously.

"Where's your house?" Frelia barked.

"...Pastalia...my sweet Pastalia..." said Croix, somehow making his words sound rather final.

"_WHERE_ in Pastal - - oh, fuck it, I'll just download your shit." And with a brief close of her eyes, two seconds later she knew precisely where Squirrely Kid lived. They were high up. Pastalia was far below. Frelia did a screaming-fast power dive. Croix just screamed.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"I used to be a fuckin' badass barnstormer way back when I was just a lil' Origin," shouted Frelia in Croix's ear over the rushing wind. "Hang on to your nuts!"

And with ludicrous speed she tore into Pastalia, flying in, around, and through crowds, buildings, plazas, tower structures, bridges, tunnels and narrow alleys. Croix's nuts sure did feel like they needed hanging onto, what with all the near misses and sudden changes of direction he felt whizzing past his face. Random shouts reached his ears from people they raced past.

"Wha - - ?"

"Hey, watch it!"

"Whoop!"

"Hot chick!"

"My baby!"

"Kyaa!"

"Uguu!"

Suddenly Croix saw his house approaching at 80 mph. And Frelia wasn't slowing down. Croix wondered if he'd be conscious enough to quickly hide his porn stash from his butterfly girl after his body crashed through the front door. But in a flash of green, Frelia blew the front door open moments before they flew inside. Frelia stopped in mid-air, abruptly. Croix didn't. Croix made a new and very large dent in the far wall.

"Your place sucks," said Frelia.

"Iz na mush buh we cal i' hoem..." Croix said dizzily, staggering badly after somehow peeling himself off the wall. Then he raised a finger to make an important announcement. "Ah jus' wan 'cheh ta knoo...you've made the last fewww minnits of m' life the best...evah. I going to die naow." And down Croix went, hitting the floor in a bloody splat.

Frelia yanked him up by his neck, flung him against the wall and cooked up some song magic spice that healed him instantly. Croix blinked his eyes open.

"Feel better?" said Frelia.

"Yeah...I feel awesome!"

"Good!" She grabbed him by the collar and yanked him to her face. "Now show me the damn bagels!" she growled, bits of her spit flying.

"What bagels?"

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY BAGELS?"

"I don't remember saying anything about having any ba - - "

And with a "Whud!", Frelia shoved a knee up into his special place. Croix said "Gfgh!" and hit the floor again. Frelia stomped out.

"Call me later?" Croix squeaked hopefully.


	5. Chapter 5

a/n : short chapter GET!

* * *

So Chester grooved on down back to his groovy pad with a giant sack of gray crumbly Shun-bits. Once there, he dumped them all in a 30-gallon trash can, added a buttload of water, took a giant paddle, and stirred. All the while strutting around and singing, "Shooby-dooby-dooby...SHOOOOby-dooby-dooby...!"

Two hours later, Shun popped out, dog-ish again and spiffy.

"Dooby-doo?" said Chester.

"Gassp!" said Shun. "I'm whoooole! Mommy! Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy really do exist! Ugwahahahahaaahauuu...wha-wha-wha-what's with my fur color?"

He was now a bright blend of greenish-turquoise and yellow.

"Sorry, ol' pup," said Chester. "I ran out of blue food coloring when I was reconstituting you." Chester held up a tiny blue bottle, giving it a couple of squeezes to demonstrate it's emptiness. "So I threw in a bunch of green, and when I ran out of that I threw in all the yellow. Nobody ever uses the yellow, anyway. Uh...you're not pissed about it, are you? You're not gonna buttrape me again with those horns of yours, are you?"

But Shun just sighed wearily and said, "Oh, what does it matter, anyway...Frelia...my Frelia, she...*snif*...she _hates_ me..."

Chester sighed. "Whew, no buttrape - oh, I mean, uh...yeah gee, that's a real tough break there, Shuny."

At hearing "Shuny", Shun thought of the way Frelia used to call him that in happier days. He burst into tears, bawling like a little girl-puppy. "I don't understand! Why? Why does she hate me? Was it something I did? Was it something I didn't do? I don't understaaaaand!"

Chester rubbed some gunk off from behind his ear, then put it up to his nose and sniffed it. "Well, you know what they say about a lady. When she's pissed off and hates your guts, it really means she wants you to talk with her some more...you know, to spend time _'communicating'_ with her."

Shun looked up at him with baggy, wet eyes.

"That doesn't make any sense," he sobbed.

"Well, neither do women," Chester smirked like a wise-ass.

In the next 43 milliseconds, Chester was spontaneously murdered by 650 women, old ladies, and young girls for making such a chauvinist-pig comment. Shun watched in abject horror as Chester was ripped into chunky meat pieces right before his eyes. After Chester had been reduced to a bloody splatter all over the room, some magical time warp crap that made no sense whatsoever suddenly fired up and began running Chester's personal timeline in reverse. Shun watched as Chester's body parts were reassembled like a hideously graphic anatomy lesson. Now whole again, and remembering none of it, Chester was given a chance to do a do-over.

"Well, couldn't hurt to try talking to her, could it?" Chester said.

"Blooorrrghh!" Shun said, vomiting after having that bloody sight burned into his retinas.

Chester patted the puking Shun's shoulder kindly. "There, there. It's okay to feel a little bit of the ol' queasy-butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling at the thought of talking to a girl who just said she hates you. But with you, me, and a lot of Easy Cheese, we'll get through it." And Chester skipped off to prepare for Talking With Frelia, Round 2, going through his cupboards and gathering up his canisters of aerosol-compressed, artificially-cheese-flavored food product. Shoving a few crackers loaded with Easy Cheese down Shun's throat, Shun found something new to vomit about. After vomiting again, Shun suddenly felt a bit snappier. Funny how vomiting sometimes works that way.

"By the way," Shun said, trotting alongside Chester as they set out again, "I never buttraped you, ya dumbass."

Chester stopped dead in his tracks.

"THAT WASN'T YOU? WELL THEN WHO THE FU-...!"

"Who, indeed?" Shun smirked mysteriously.

Chester's face grew horrified. "OH, GODDESS!" he cried, burying his face in his hands and slowly falling to his knees on the ground in a fit of sobs. Shun merely chuckled and continued trotting along.


	6. Chapter 6

Meanwhile, somewhere in Mint Block, Luca was crying buckets into her mother's arms.

"A-and then, *hic*...Croix punched me too..." she sobbed.

Reisha patted Luca lovingly. "There, there," she said gently. "I'm sure you did something to deserve it."

"Whaa?" Luca suddenly sat up. "B-But...I don't...how could you say that to me?" she cried.

Reisha smiled. "Easy. Like this: There, there...I'm sure you did something to deserve it," Reisha said gently again. "See?"

Luca tried to slap her. Reisha dodged.

"Ah-hahahahah..." Reisha cackled. "Your ol' Mama's just a bit too fast for young kids like - - "

Luca swung again with a closed fist. Reisha got decked.

"Goohf!" said Reisha.

"I can't believe you!" Luca cried. "You're always saying mean things to me! 'Luca, your cooking sucks!' 'Luca, your butt stinks!' 'Luca, I sold your underwear to pervy old men so I could buy me some new shoes, hope you're cool with that!'"

Looking up at Luca from the floor, Reisha rolled her eyes. "Goddess...Get over yourself, Luca. _Everybody's_ butt stinks."

"Nuh-uh! I wash mine every - - wait, what-what'm I - - ? Rrrrgh! That's not the point! What I mean is, you suck as a mother! And I've had it! I'm outta here! And I'm never coming back! Good-BYE!" And Luca whirled around...and slammed nose-first into a supporting column just off the living area.

Reisha enjoyed a hearty point-and-laugh moment. "Bwahahahahahahaha!"

Luca flared. "Outta my way, pillar!" she yelled, launching a raged-up version of her Smiley Girl song magic. The cute loli appeared, smiling happily and wielding twin rocket launchers instead of the usual submachine guns. Two seconds later, the supporting column and half of Reisha's house exploded. When the smoke cleared, Luca walked out, defiantly, amidst piles of charred debris and lingering flames.

Reisha lay on the floor, looking up into the sky where part of her ceiling used to be.

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFuck. And she wonders why I don't like her."

Yet over at Croix's digs, life was also rather un-spiffy. Not only had his place been trashed, but something also stunk real bad. "Smells like something died in here..." Croix grimaced. "Oh, that reminds me! I need to kill Cocona!" And whistling a snappy little tune, Croix skipped to the kitchen and grabbed the biggest, sharpest butcher knife he had. "Coconaaaa!" he called out happily. When there was no answer, he searched about the house for her. Finally he ended up in the bedroom upstairs.

There was dead Cocona, dangling from the ceiling.

"Well shit," Croix said.

But then he shrugged. "Oh well, saved me the trouble. And saved me from having to look into her puppy-dog eyes as she pleaded with me, 'Why, Croix, why?' and I said, 'So you won't grow up and go stupid, and I'll always remember you for the sweet little girl you once were.' Uguu!" he grinned, feeling warm and squishy inside.

Straightening up the small stepladder that Cocona had apparently used and then kicked aside, Croix resumed his happy whistling as he climbed up and began the task of cutting the strips of bedsheets she had strung herself up with. But before he could finish cutting through, he suddenly heard a child's voice cry out, "Cro?" from downstairs...and then a rapid thumping of footsteps running up.

A young boy appeared. Dressed like a girl. And sporting twintails that his hair was way too short for, making them look like lazy spikes sticking out from his head.

"Waugh! Who are _you?_" Croix cried.

"UWAAAAUGH! WHAT IS _THAT?_" the boy cried, pointing at the pale corpse with purplish forearms and lower legs.

"That's _me,_ you doofus!" said the boy, answering himself. "I toldja I hung myself here, remember? Blegkh...I look gross..."

Then he turned his attention to Croix. "Um, ahahahahaha, Cro! I'm sorry you had to see me hanging there like that! Gee, how embarrassing, ahahaha..."

"But I didn't wanna see that either..." said the boy again.

The boy snorted. "Oh, come on. Are you a _boy_, or _aren't_ you?" After a moment's thought, he added, "Okay, don't answer that."

"What the hell are you on, cross-dresser-boy?" Croix said in a daze, slowly getting down from the stepladder.

"Cro! Didn'tja hear what I just said? It's me, Cocona!" the boy frowned.

"And me too," he said again.

"Tch! Would you just be quiet a second?" he said in a fluster. "I'm trying to have a family reunion moment with my brother!"

"_That's_ your brother?" he said.

"Got a problem with that?" he sassed.

"He looks like a dork," he snickered.

His eyes glowered. "Oh, yeah? Get a load of this! Cro! Take off your shirt!"

Croix was still in a daze from listening to this strange little boy in drag who somehow knew Cocona's name talking to himself. "...Wha?" he managed to mumble.

"Take off your shirt!"

Numbly, Croix did as instructed.

"There!" the boy proudly pointed. "You see that? _That_ is the battle-hardened body of a kick-ass Grand Bell Knight! Not a square inch of dorkiness on those muscles!"

"I was talking about his _face_, stupid!" he frowned.

"You're just jealous," he smirked. "You just wish you had a brother who was half as kick-ass. But nope, all you got is a dumb little sister."

"So? My dad could beat him up any day!"

"Yeah, uh-huh, suuuure..."

"He could!"

"And where's your dad now? Sitting on the couch? Watching sports on the telemo, a big giant bag of potato chips and three cans of cheap shitty beer by his side?"

"So what? Girls just don't understand sports!"

Croix could only stand and watch as his face grew into an ever-widening expression of _'Whhhaaaaaaa?'_ at trying to comprehend this kid's weird one-man dialogue.

"Psh, as if. I was pretty athletic myself in my old body. See? Check me out."

"Bkgh!" he shuddered, wrenching his eyes away.

"You know, you're pretty wussy for a boy."

"And you're pretty ugly for a girl!"

"Ghkk! You want me to make you throw yourself down the stairs, pansy guy?"

"Yah and if I broke all my legs when I fell, how wouldja use my body to walk around, stupid?"

"Bffff! _All_ your legs? How many legs you think you have, stupid?"

"Just two, stupid!"

"You callin' _me_ stupid?"

"I called you that lotsa times, _stupid_!"

"Well at least _I_ was smart enough to stay calm and think of coming here when your stupid dad kicked us outta the house! You were all like, 'Waah! Waah! What is this I don't even! Waah!'"

"My dad kicked me out 'cause of YOU! Making me dress like a girl all the time!"

"Nuh-uh - - it's not _my_ fault he got mad!"

"'Go be a faggot somewhere else!' he said, remember? What's a 'faggot'?"

"Well your dad's just a fucktard! Throwing out his own child like that!"

"MY DAD'S NOT A FUCKTARD! What's a 'fucktard'?"

"DO I HAFTA EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO YOU? Dammit!"

Croix got tired of listening. "Eat knuckle, schizo-child!" he cried. And he slugged the boy, sending him sprawling.

The boy jumped up right away and slugged Croix back a mean right hook. Croix fell backwards as the boy landed on top of him, fist raised for another punch.

Croix's eyes widened. He recognized that right hook anywhere.

"Cocona!" he gasped.

"Yeah, duh!" the boy frowned. "I toldja like a million times already!"

"You're alive?"

"No, not really. I'm still dead but I'm possessing this boy because Hell was a shithole."

"Hey! Stop making me say dirty words!"

"Shut the fuck up...keeheehee!"

_Yup, that's Cocona all right,_ the thought flashed through Croix's mind. Then he blinked. "Waitaminnit...you went to Hell?"

"All the suicides go to Hell. Fucking moralistic universe 'n' shit..."

"Oh. Well...what was it like?"

"Uh, a shithole?"

"Oh." Croix paused. "Well, I guess I can't kill you, then."

"Eh?"

"Well, all the girls of Metafalss are psycho, so I was gonna murder you so wouldn't grow up like them."

The boy's eyes beamed and sparkled. "Awww, Cro! I love you!" And he leaned down and gave him a big lovey-dovey squeeze.

"Bgeh?"

"I killed myself for that exact same reason! I can't believe how much we think alike! It's like we really _are_ brother and sister!"

"What? He's not your real brother?"

"Wait, I'm losin' track of who I'm talking to...who's the boy, then?"

"I dunno."

"Wha - - hey!"

"But isn't he cuuute?"

Croix blinked again. "Uh...okaaaay..."

"Don't call me cute! And stop hugging your brother or whatever he is! It's, like, weirding me out!"

"Prrrr..." he murmured, nuzzling his face against Croix's body.

"Uh, Cocona? This kinda *is* weird. I mean, I'm not even wearing a shirt or anything..."

The boy sat up. "Oh, that's okay! I don't mind..." He looked away and began blushing heavily. "Actually...I never could quite say this when I was a girl, but...I kinda like seeing you this way..."

Croix blinked some more. "And just how exactly is that easier to say now that you're a boy? Sort of."

"I dunno..." He gingerly placed his hands on Croix's bare chest and caressed him. "Maybe 'cause it's more manly to talk about..._muscles_ and stuff?"

"No. It isn't," Croix said flatly.

"Oh." And he took his hands away, though reluctantly.

Croix sighed wearily. He didn't feel like punching Cocona or this kid she was inhabiting again. "Well, so long as you and I both agree that you're better off dead, then...hey, waitaminnit. That gives me an idea."

"Hm?"

"Think you can do me a favor?"

He grinned happily. "Sure, anything!"

"Well...y'see, there's this green-headed girl I like, and uh, maybe...do you think you could use your supernatural ghostie powers to help me find her? She kinda left me without giving me her number or anything."

The grin fell right off of his face. He looked stricken. "H...Huh? B-But...I thought...but what about...?"

Croix sneered. "...You? Feh. What _about_ you?"

The boy gasped. Tears began to run down his face. A dam looked ready to burst.

"UWAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he cried, jumping up and running away so fast and hard that he practically threw himself down the stairs, crashing and thudding his body all the way to the bottom. Breaking both legs, he had to drag himself crying out of Croix's house.

"Nyaaa-aaah!" teased the boy. "Now who's crying, 'Waah, waah, what is this I don't even, waah'?"

"Sh-shut up!" Cocona sobbed.

A passing Reyvateil, one Nana by name, saw him pitifully dragging his way through the streets, and decided to help. She knelt beside him and gently sang a healing song. Once the boy said his legs felt better, Nana grabbed him roughly by the spaghetti straps. "Now you OWE me!" she growled in his face. And so Cocona and the boy were forced to become Nana's personal slave-assistants in her Dive Therapy trade, handing out flyers advertising Nana's services to passers-by, while also billing themselves as Nana's accompanying transvestite shota - - available for gropage for a small extra fee. But it couldn't go any farther than that. Nana didn't want to get into trouble with the law.

"Uh, hel-_lo!_ Molestation is against the law too, ya know!" Cocona protested after enduring one such gropage session.

"Shaddap, kid!" Nana snapped. "That's it! All you're gettin' for dinner tonight is umeboshi!" And Nana tossed the boy into the cramped closet that was his room and locked the door shut.

"Way to go, stupid," the boy pouted, sitting in the dark closet wearing only girl's underwear, a matching cami and pantsu set. "Ya had to open your big fat mouth."

"Be quiet," Cocona sulked. "Besides, I like umeboshi."

"For dinner?"

"Sigh..."

* * *

a/n: to borrow a phrase from Jhonen: i like 'Goohf'.


	7. Chapter 7

**Pt 7**

* * *

So after blowing up her mother's house, Luca hotfooted it to Rakshek. She was angry. Angry at her mother. Angry at the world. Angry at the occasional stray Pom that innocently wandered across her path. Poms were left squished or critically maimed in her wake as she stomped onward, leaving behind a trail of Pom-goo footprints.

Finally arriving at town, she boldly strode towards Mrs. Lahr's office, having reached a hasty decision prompted entirely by her being pissed off. What better way to cope with anger than to throw one's self wholeheartedly into a career?

"Mrs. Lahr!" Luca boomed, throwing the door open to her boss' office. "I'm dedicating my whole life to Dive Therapy! Full time! Let me be everybody's bitch!"

"Oh...that's nice, Luca dear," Mrs. Lahr said blandly, not even looking up from her desk.

"...Wha?" said Luca. She hadn't expected a huge reaction, but certainly more than this. "Didn'tja hear what I just said? I'm gonna be a full-on Dive Therapist! No more farting around! No more ditching clients by telling them my cosmosphere's been rickrolled by some hacker! No more pretending to be sick so I can run home and fap to a sexy fantasy some client just confided to me!"

Mrs. Lahr glanced up, looking utterly unbothered. "Really, Luca. Do you think I ever cared what you fap to?"

Luca couldn't help blushing. "Tkht! That's not the point! Aren't you even just a little..."

That's when Luca finally noticed the huge piles of money in front of Mrs. Lahr on her desk.

"Wh-wh-where'dja get all the Leafy?"

"Oh...this?" Mrs. Lahr said with a sly smirk. "New girl. Long dark hair with red accents. Never wears clothes. Didn't tell me her name, but who cares? She's got Reyvateil power like you wouldn't believe, and she rakes in ten times the customers you ever did...Luca dear."

Luca's jaw dropped. "No..."

At that very same moment, inside of an isolated corner of her soulspace, naked Jacqli was seated comfortably in a posh black chair in what appeared to be a small, cozy room. Across from her stood a new client. He was nervous. He had no idea how he was supposed to look at his new Therapist without sprouting a nosebleed. Valiantly he struggled to keep himself from standing in another way.

"Sooo...what do you desire, most of all?" Jacqli purred sexily.

"Uhh-h-h..." the client said, plugging his nose.

"I can create any kind of world you like..." she cooed. And with a lazy wave of her hand, the small, cozy room was swept away. A lush forest setting flourished around them in its place.

"A world of nature..."

Another lazy wave. The forest was swept away as a beautifully strange land of pixies, mana, cool-looking armor, lots of sharp weapons, and epic quests for Doohickies of Awesome appeared. With mechs.

"A world of fantasy..."

Lazy wave. The land became a high, barren, dark plateau stretched out beneath a layer of oppressive black clouds. A heavy wind swirled about them. Jacqli's form was scarcely visible in the dim luminance.

"A world of darkness..."

A final lazy wave. They were now in a bedroom. It felt safe, secluded, and very intimate. Jacqli herself was lying on the bed, invitingly. The lights were turned low.

"Or...is what you desire most of all...simply...me?" she breathed.

Toing. "_Gulp_..." was all her client could say as he anxiously took a step toward the bed.

Meanwhile, Luca was feeling very much pushed aside as Mrs. Lahr kept prattling on about the new girl. "I tellya, she's somethin' else...why sometimes she don't even take a break for a day or two! She'll just keep goin' and goin', day and night...I dunno how she does it. Or come to think of it, she did say somethin' about feeding off their H-waves by creating a false resonance, then shunting off their harmonics into herself or some such crazy shit. I've heard of Reyvs doin' stuff like that before."

"But that's horrible!" Luca gasped. "That'll make the Divers - -"

"- - Addicts?" Mrs. Lahr finished. Then she shrugged casually. "Eh."

"You can't let her turn clients into baggy-eyed Dive-heads!"

"You're just jealous," Mrs. Lahr grinned greasily. "You just wish you could do shit like that."

Luca's face flushed. "...Maybe!"

Mrs. Lahr busted a gut. "Blahaaahahahahah! You ain't got the balls, kid!"

"How do _you_ know? Ever try me?"

"Okay then: say a client jumps into yer soulspace. He's lookin' kinda down, kinda beat...kinda like as if he just wants a friendly ear to listen to his troubles over a cup of tea. But he also seems a bit shy. What are you thinking that you should do for him first?"

"Well, if I'm trying to suck his H-waves...um, uhh...m-maybe I need to create a false sense of security in him first. Do the standard Dive Therapy thing where I try to make him feel comfortable, look for ways to reassure him that he's in a safe place where he can talk about things without any judging, yada yada yada..."

Mrs. Lahr facepalmed. Hard. "YOU FFFFFFAIL!" she blared.

Luca's cheeks went all puffy. "Well what would _she_ do for him first then, huh?"

"Nothin'! She'd just H-rape his ass because he's easy pickin's! Hahahahahahahah!"

Luca could feel herself deflating.

"Yeap, yeap, at this rate, ol' Mrs. Lahr's gonna be all set for retirement in no time!" she went on, greedily looking over her piles of cash. "Hell, I hardly even need any of my other girls anymore! But I'll keep some o' them, anyway. Especially Nana. Lotta folks'd be pissed if she were gone. And she's got that new schizo boy sideshow that wears girl's underwear...all I can say is, 'Damn, wish I'd thought of that.'"

"Waitaminnit...you're dumping some of us?"

"Yep. You too, Luca." She raised a hand in farewell. "Hasta. And thanks for all the profits."

"Wha? Hey! I've got lotsa clients too that'd be pissed if I were gone!"

"Nuh-uh. _Had_ lotsa clients. They've all switched to the new girl now."

"EHHHHHHHH? But WHYYY?"

"Uh, 'cause maybe she gets naked and you don't?"

"But she's always naked!"

"Well that makes it more convenient then, eh?"

"But I'm pure and sweet and noble!"

Mrs. Lahr snorted long and loud. "And what was that you just said about your clients' sexy fantasies and pretending to be sick? Besides, 'pure, sweet and noble' can never beat out boobs, butt and cameltoe." Then she shot Luca another smirk. "Or yuri, for that matter. I mean, just 'cause _you_ don't care for it doesn't mean your clients..." Mrs. Lahr trailed off.

Luca was speechless.

"And y'know, the new girl likes girls, too, so that's pretty handy. So all in all, you're toast. Now shoo."

Luca was about in tears. But she mustered herself up to make one last pure, sweet and noble remark before departing. "Fatass!" she spat at her former boss, then whirled about on a spiked heel and bolted off - -

- - and slammed nose-first into a wall, completely missing the doorway. Mrs. Lahr fell out of her chair from enjoying a hearty point-and-laugh moment.

"Bwahahahahahahaha!"

But having had enough of blowing shit up for one day, Luca was inspired to take a different approach to revenge. Grabbing the nearest pile of cash off the desk, she was out the door and on the street before Mrs. Lahr could bellow, "What the fuck?"


	8. Chapter 8

**Pt 8**

* * *

As Luca darted down a narrow alley to make her escape, high above, Frelia zoomed over Rakshek, heading away from the Tower.

"Shoulda done this a long time ago," she grumbled nastily to herself. Suddenly pausing in midair, she raised her voice over the city and yelled, "So long, Metafalss! You totally fucking suck!" Then she farted in Rakshek's general direction, laughing crazily as she sped off to the mountains in the distance.

Meanwhile, over at Shun's Secret Hideout - - a small structure that looked very much like a doghouse, and wasn't much bigger than one - - Shun and Chester were huddled closely together in the cramped, darkened space, eyes focused on a glowing green holographic radar display being projected from various naughty places on Shun's Frelia plushie.

"Okay, she's flying over Rakshek now..." said Shun, following a brightly green glowing dot.

"Look, I'm touching her, I'm touching her," Chester grinned, poking his finger in and out of the glowing dot. "Touch! Touch!"

Shun bit his finger.

"Ow! Mamaaa! Shun bit meee!"

"Where are you going, my Green Gardenia...?" Shun muttered half to himself. He watched her dot journey past Rakshek, past the Rim, and far out over the boundless Sea of Death.

"_Now_ how ya gonna fetch'er back, Shuny-kun?"

Shun thought for a moment. "Target-boy," he said at last. "He's got an airship." And turning off the Frelia Tracker by giving his plushie a quick peck on the lips, he declared, "Let's move out!"

But it was pretty tight quarters inside that doghouse.

"Ow!"

"Hey, watch it!"

"You watch it! I can't move!"

"Well I can't see back there!"

"And whose fault is that, Mr. I-got-big-horns-on-my-head?"

"I'm not the one who gave me these! C'mon, move!"

"Hey! Don't put your nose there!"

"Well don't put your big butt there!"

"I'll put my big butt wherever I wanna!"

"You want me to bite it?"

"...You wouldn't dare."

Chomp.

"Oo!"

Finally managing to extricate themselves, they went off to see Targana. A short time later - -

"Hey, Target-Boy!" Shun cried, waltzing into Targana's chambers. "We need to borrow your ride!"

Targana whirled around, wearing an extra flamboyant set of armor that gave his shiny chest more exposure. "Duuun't call me thaaat!" he whined.

Chester, however was not happy to see Targana today. "...It was you. Wasn't it?" he said darkly.

"...Mhoo?" Targana turned to Shun. "What's thoyfus on about?"

Shun shrugged. "I 'unno."

"The buttrape!" Chester cried. "You were the one who did it to me! Weren't you?"

Targana's eyes sparkled. "Kahahahahahahaaa! You're still on about that? Honey, that was sooo last month! Or two. Meh, I'm forgetting already, heehee..."

"Hngaah!" Chester raged. "You dare laugh at my inner pain?" And he lunged at Targana to tear his head off.

Targana stopped him with a boot to the chest. "Yeah, I dare laugh. But don't get mad at _me_. I'm not the one who did it to you."

"...You're not?"

"Well maybe in my dreams," said Targana, brushing aside his long wavy hair.

"Then...who?"

"Who do you think? Take a wild guess," Targana smirked evilly.

Chester's eyes widened as a single, feared name bubbled up into his consciousness.

"No...no...that's not true...that's IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Search your feelings, you KNOW it to be true!" Targana said in a deep voice.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...nnnnnoooooooooo..." cried Chester in a wail of despair worthy of the long-dead Mark Hamill himself.

Shun grabbed them both and knocked their heads together. "Shut up! My Lady's gone apeshit, and you two are clowning around!"

Feeling like some people just had no appreciation for ancient visual culture, Targana snorted. "Feh. That's not clowning around. THIS is clowning around!" And Targana whirled around again, and somehow he had instantly covered his face with clown makeup and a big red nose. Pulling out a big cream pie, he splatted Chester in the face with it, then pulled out a classic bike horn and gave it a few amusing honks.

"...Are you sure we really need his help?" Chester asked blandly from beneath a faceful of cream.

"Well he _does_ have an airship..."

"Ooh! Yeah, and I just pimped it up!" Targana beamed. "Come dig it!" And somehow instantly disposing of his clown getup, he skipped off, gleefully leading the way to his personal airship's hangar.

When they arrived, all Shun could do was stare.

"...Why is it _hot pink?_" he finally managed to say.

Targana rounded on him, face and tone suddenly serious. "We are the musicmakers. And we are the dreamers of the dreams."

Shun groaned and facepalmed.

But Chester was excited. "Ooh! I bet it tastes like bubblegum!" And running over to it, he planted his tongue on its bubblegum pink surface. He tasted cold metal and a coat of paint. "Ig!" he said.

Shun found himself wishing he could have just done his glowing spinny-circle thing again to reach Frelia instead of dealing with these jokers. But being that she was now in midair over the Sea of Death, Shun didn't think he had much choice. Unless he wanted to chance Frelia being merciful and catching him when he materialized. But the way she was now...he figured she would just point and laugh as he fell to his doom. So with sagging shoulders, he boarded Targana's dandified airship with Chester and hung on as Targana fired 'er up and blasted off.

"Team Rocket's blasting off again!" Targana cried as he cranked open the throttle.

Shun thought about giving Target-boy a Headbutt right in the Poké-balls.


	9. Chapter 9

a/n: which one below looks angrier to you?

"DUMB-ASS CYNTHIA?" Cynthia roared

"DUMB-ASS CYNTHIA ! ! ? !" Cynthia roared

i just don't understand the reasoning behind filtering out multiple exclamation/question marks automatically. sigh.

**

* * *

**

**Pt 9**

But meanwhile, Cocona and the boy were learning more and more about the shadier side of the DT biz. So one day telling Nana to shove it, they walked out the door, ready to embark upon their very own DT-whore business venture. Nana chased after them with a meat cleaver. Some of Lady Cloche's Gergo goons were hanging about, trying to look all badass in their cute Gergo ears and fluffy armor. Cocona and the boy sped past them. The sight of a near-naked boy running through the streets wearing only girl's panties didn't even make them blink. Then Nana came roaring after, shouting buckets of nasty obscenities and looking like six kinds of murder. One of the goons yawned and looked up into the sky.

"...up your fucking ass!" Nana was yelling. "And then I'll take those Gergo panties and make you shit on 'em and then make you eat - -"

The goons quickly sprang into action. They nabbed Nana and beat her into submission, arresting her for Plotting To Commit Sacrilege Against Gergo Merchandise, a crime punishable by a nice, happy stay in Gergo Re-Education Camp, and perhaps a broken jaw, depending upon the severity of the offense. So Nana found herself staring wistfully at the tiny patch of sky visible from her barred window, dearly missing her freedom, and also dearly missing four of her own teeth.

"Whew, that was close," the boy panted. "Good thing those soldiers came to save us."

"Like fuck they did," Cocona griped. "They're always lookin' for an excuse just to kick someone's ass. C'mon, let's go get some decent clothes."

"We don't have any money."

Cocona sighed. "Haven't you ever heard of extortion?"

"What's 'extortion'?"

Instead of facepalming while gritting her teeth and growling buckets of nasty obscenities in Hymmnos, Cocona simply decided to demonstrate. Finding some well-to-do old fart who looked like a perv - - and since well-to-do old farts usually end up looking like pervs it wasn't that difficult - - Cocona quickly forced a compromising situation upon him in public with the near-naked boy. "EEEEE, NOOOO! I don't wanna touch your Song Tower!" she squealed loudly while pinned underneath the suddenly bewildered old fart. More Gergo goons nearby overheard the racket and began hustling toward them, thinking it might be fun to beat up an old fart while pretending to look like heroes. "Listen, Bub!" Cocona snarled in the now frightened old fart's ear. "You fork over an assload of cash, I tell the soldiers it was all a big misunderstanding or some shit! Got it?" Two minutes later, Cocona and the boy happily skipped their way to the nearest clothing boutique with an assload of cash. But having nowhere to pocket the wad of Leafy, the boy just stuffed it into his panties...right where it made a rather masculine bulge.

"Heyyy, lookit me!" the boy said, strutting along. "I'm lookin' beefier than ever!"

"Shut the hell up!" Cocona said, pulling the wad back out in a fluster. "Don't be disgusting!"

"Hmph. Betcha wouldn't have said anything about it if I was a _girl_."

Since that didn't make any sense at all, Cocona ignored it and took the boy shopping. Seventy-four snazzy minutes later, she had the boy all decked out in sexy-yet-stylish-and-cute girl's clothes that revealed more than they covered - - in other words, typical Reyvateil wear.

"You call this _decent?_" the boy wailed. "I still feel like I'm almost naked!"

"Hehn. Betcha wouldn't have said anything about it if you were a _girl_," Cocona teased.

Then it was off to the Dive Shop for a test dive. "But you're a boy," the Dive Shop engineer said in a slow drawl. "You cain't do a test dive if you ain't a Reyvateily."

"Actually I'm being possessed by the ghost of a girl who used to be an IPD," the boy said with a straight face. "So I'm sorta like a Reyvateil...I think."

The engineer gave the boy a look as if he were staring at a talking can of tomatoes.

"...Okeey. Well if yeh got the dough, then off yeh go," he said at last. Four sparkly minutes later, Cocona and the boy met up in Cocona's soulspace, the virtual world rendering Cocona's dead soul in full physical form.

"Dude!" the boy beamed. "It still worked even though you're dead!"

"Yup. Ain't magic some shit?" Cocona smirked.

The boy eagerly took a look around, but Cocona's cosmos was nothing but colors. Colors...swirling, swirling everywhere...

"Whoaaaah, this is so funky," said the boy in his best man-I'm-stoned voice. Getting to use a word like "funky" in a place like this made the boy feel pretty spiffy, and within moments he was inspired to sing and dance a little jig. "Fun-ky fun-ky diiiisco, Fun-ky fun-ky - -"

Coocna slapped him. "Stop that."

"Oww..."

The test dive a success, together they began plotting ways to entice customers for their "Underaged Therapy Services", and even the boy had to agree that although girls were yucky and horny grown-ups were scary, making money sure was a lot of fun!

Yet over in Lady Cloche's chambers, toys were flying. "I MAD!" she screeched, bashing a stack of plushies with her fist. She then grabbed the nearest Gergo plushie and savagely tore out its ears with her teeth, growling and snarling.

"C-Calm down, my Lady!" a nervous servant-girl pleaded. "Y-Y-You should not break your own laws even if you are the Unquestioned Goddess Of Cute Who Rules With Fluffy Fists!"

Cloche spat out an ear with a 'ptoo'. "I would have given Croix everything he could have asked for," she glowered. "A palatial room of many luxuries. Free food. Free sex with me anytime he pleased! A bureaucratic high-profile position where he would have never had to do anything and people would kiss his butt all day long! And most of all...MY UNDYING LOVE FOR HIM AND HIS SEXY GLASSES!" Tears suddenly burst from her eyes. "What more could he have possibly wanted?" she wailed.

"Freedom?" the servant-girl suggested.

Cloche decked the servant-girl with her gloved fist. "I'm going to Croix's house!" she declared. "And I'm bringing Croix back with me! Call my entourage! Have them prepare my airship!"

"Entouraaaage..." the servant-girl mumbled dizzily from somewhere on the floor.

And so, bravely Lady Cloche embarked upon a quest to drag Croix back into her arms of merciless love. But when she and fifteen of her Gergo goons reached Croix's house, they found it rather Croix-less. But there _was_ a Cynthia inside. "Love, love, weapon of love~ ...Ahhn~ ..." Cynthia was singing, while rhythmically riding upon one of Croix's spare booster lances. Fifteen goons grinned pleasantly. Cloche punched Cynthia to the floor.

"What are _you_ doing here?" she demanded.

"What's it look like I'm doing?" Cynthia giggled up at Cloche, licking her fingers.

"Where's Croix?"

"Silly pudd'n-head," Cynthia smirked. "He's right behind you."

Cloche twisted around. "Eh?"

Cynthia kicked her steel-plated boot right between Cloche's legs. Cloche went down saying something like "Gfwlihdgt!" while Cynthia scrambled up and tried to make a break for it. The goons nabbed her and dragged her out of the house - - which was where she was trying to go in the first place - - but before they could commence publicly beating her senseless, with possibly some gropage on the side, Cynthia pointed toward some random direction and bellowed, "ZOMG! They're pissing on Pippen cel straps over there!" The goons dropped her like a sack of old biscuits and tromped off to find and beat the Pippen desecrators senseless instead. With no more goons to contend with, Cynthia casually strolled back inside Croix's digs, where the Most Holy Maiden Of Puni Puni was still lying on the floor, hands between her thighs and looking like a beaten puppy.

"Gee, your minions sure are a buncha dumbshits," Cynthia smiled.

"They can kick a lotta ass," Cloche croaked. "That's all I care about."

But Cynthia was humming happily to herself as she started poking through some of Croix's belongings. "So I heard that you're in love with Croix...and that you wanna make him yours forever," she said lightly. "But what do you reeeeeally know about him, hmmm?" And in the next few moments, Cynthia let out a chirp of, "Oh!" and pulled out something hidden within some shelves. "What have we here?" she beamed. And proudly she held up before Cloche a copy of _DiveGirls_, a Reyvateil porn mag. Cloche stared at it in disbelief, trying to hide her shock and dismay...and trying not to read taglines on the cover like _"Installer Ports in the Nastiest of Places!"_ or _"Slummin' With IPD Sluts"_.

"Did you know that Croix liked things like this? No? Awww, too bad!" Cynthia chided merrily. "Hope that doesn't change how you feel about him too much, teehee!"

Cloche wrenched her eyes away from the tongue-locked Reyvs on the cover. "S-So what?" she stammered. "He's a healthy male. A-A-And at least they're still 3D girls!"

Cynthia tossed the mag over her shoulder. "Oh, that. Well, there's also these here under the floor..."

Shifting aside a few things, she opened up a hidden trapdoor in the floor, pulled out a hefty stack of hentai manga, and let them fall all over Cloche.

"And there's plenty more where that came from too - - I just grabbed a few off the top!"

Cloche shut her eyes, trying to stifle a tiny sob.

"But'cha see," Cynthia went on, "I'm a love-obsessed stalker for Croix. I've even got an illegally-made copy of his key and everything," she said, holding it up. "Made it myself - - sometimes it's good to be a smith, eh? So I've been here lotsa times without Croix knowing, and I know where he hides all his dirty shit." Then with a dark smirk, she added, "I've even seen many of his sleeping faces...and even some of his...mmm, no, I think I'll keep that to myself, teeheehee! Anyway, that's my dark side. So I don't mind knowing about Croix's dark side. I know we're both twisted, so I'm okay with it! Hell, if I even found out one day that he'd been screwing Cocona for years, I wouldn't even blink. But you...you put people on pedestals, because people put you on a pedestal. Tsk, tsk, tsk...whatta shame. You'll never be able to live life like - - hello, what's this?"

Breaking off from her cornball line of reasoning, she went up to an unfamiliar box lying on the table. On the box was a note clearly stating, "Do Not Open This Unless You Have Green Hair". Finding a handy can of green spray paint lying around, Cynthia spray-painted the still-mostly-helpless Cloche's hair green. Then she put the box in front of Cloche.

"Okay, you open it."

"I can't move."

"Want me to kick you again?"

Suddenly Cloche became motivated to move. Dripping with acrylic, she gingerly opened the box. A telecell was inside, along with another note. "Hit 69," it read. _Why 69?...oh. Tch, pervert,_ Cloche wondered briefly. Rolling her eyes inwardly, Cloche hit 69, and a pre-recorded message from Croix began to play on speaker.

"My dearest Frelia-sama. I am currently in hiding from Cloche The Cheesebitch and Luca The Whineyface...as well as dumb-ass Cynthia. Sorry I couldn't wait for you here. Sorry also that I did not have any bagels for you last time. But if you want to find me again, as I very much want to find you, I'll be waiting for you with a whole basket full of bagels over at - -"

"DUMB-ASS CYNTHIA?" Cynthia roared, grabbing the telecell. "HOW DARE HE AFTER ALL WE'VE MEANT TO EACH OTHER?" And she flung the cell at the floor, then smashed it repeatedly with those steel-plated boots of hers.

Cloche whined and squealed like a kid who'd just lost Wii or Playstation privileges for a week. "But...the message!" she squeaked pitifully. "Croix was just about to say where he..."

"Aw, fuck Croix!" Cynthia raged. "If he wants stupid Frelia, he can have her! I'm through with him!" And she stormed out. Two seconds later, she stormed back in, grabbing the booster lance she had been pleasuring herself with earlier. "But I wasn't through with this, ya know!" she cried, then stormed out once again.

Cloche lay for a few moments in silence, wishing that her goons had beat Cynthia senseless five minutes ago. She found herself replaying Cynthia's shout of "Aw, fuck Croix!" in her mind.

_Yes...I do very much want to fuck Croix,_ she thought quietly to herself.

Fifteen feet to the north, in a residence adjacent to Croix's house, Croix lay hidden beneath the floorboards, listening to the commotion with a can to the wall. Luckily for him he had a kawaii-desu moeblob schoolgirl for a neighbor, and although she did not understand all the details of Croix's situation - - and she was too polite to pry - - she was very hospitable and didn't mind at all letting Croix hide out for a few days at her place. It had also seemed like the perfect hiding spot - - so long as they didn't know where to find him, they'd never think to look in a place like right next door.

_Hm. So that's why my booster lances were sometimes kinda sticky,_ thought Croix. _And here all this time I thought Cocona was just being stupid with the Pom glue._

Coming out of the floorboards, Croix announced that the coast was clear. "They didn't hear the whole message, so they still don't know where to find me," he added.

The moeblob schoolgirl sat pleasantly sipping tea at a heated table in the middle of the room, a plate of cookies looking yummy in the center of the table. "Okaay," she said sweetly. Her big eyes and cute hair clippies practically vomited love and peace.

Croix moseyed on over to the table and sat down. Moeblob poured him a cup of tea. Croix had a couple of sips and ate a cookie.

"Dang...this is comforting," Croix said, suddenly feeling warm and dozey.

_"Desho, desho?"_ said Moeblob, her voice tinkling gently.

"What do they call these things, again?" said Croix lazily, tapping the table.

"A _kotatsu_."

"_Kotatsu_...huh."

"You've never heard of one before?"

Croix shook his head.

Moeblob giggled. "I guess you wouldn't have. Our class is studying ancient cultural artifacts this term. We've studied things like _mamachari_, _sanshin_, _betamax_, _pokédex_...but a _kotatsu_ sounded like it'd be cool to actually have one for real, and it seemed easy to make, so some of the guys from shop tried making a few...and this is one of the ones they made, ehehe!"

"...Oh...really...?" Croix's voice trailed.

"Yeah. But the blanket material they used was too plain. Just white...boo. So some friends of mine and I got together and made these cute kitty-cat and pawprint patterns on it, eheehee! What do you think? Don't the patterns make it feel that much more warm and cozy?"

"...Mmh...cozy..."

"But I guess we don't really have kotatsu nowdays because the weather's controlled," she went on in her soothing, lulling voice. "These were really made for when it gets cold outside. And for family and friends to gather together around dinnertime or just because. But even though it's not cold out, it still just feels so good to be near the warmth! Ahahaha! Ahhh...someday I'd like to invite my friends over and try having _nabe_ here at the kotatsu...it sounds like fun. And then there's also a tradition that we heard about that involves eating fruit at the kotatsu around a certain time of year...ummm...I think it might've been tangerines - -"

Thud.

Croix's body hit the floor, dead asleep. And not just from the warmth.

"_Are?_ Are you okay?"

Snooorrrre.

Moeblob pondered. "Hn. I guess it gets tiring having to hide out from fangirls all the time. They also say it's not good to fall asleep at the kotatsu...but I guess it won't hurt this one time." She smiled to herself and quietly took another long sip of tea.


	10. Chapter 10

a/n: continuing the Luca-torment...

**

* * *

Pt 10**

Luca, however, had no warm and comfy spot of moe to rest in. She was out on the street. No home. No job. No Dive Therapy clients to toy with. Her life a short while ago had been a bag of happy Poms. Now it was a moldy fuckburger with extra cholesterol.

_"Zetsuboushita..."_ she mumbled to herself, wandering aimlessly down a side alley. "What am I gonna do with my life now?"

She had no cash, either. The fistful she swiped from Mrs. Lahr was already gone. She spent some of it on a fat banana split double chocolate sundae, hoping to cheer herself up after losing her job. It didn't work - - she still felt like a loser and now she had a stomachache too. Not to mention that she still had a conscience, unlike everyone else around her, apparently. So, feeling guilty about the money, she ended up giving it to a poor little street urchin of a girl who looked like she hadn't had a decent meal in weeks. "Here you are," Luca said kindly. "Now you won't have to be hungry." The little girl excitedly ran off and blew the whole wad on candy. She then made herself sick and threw up in six different colors. Afterward, Luca went off to a quiet place by herself to beat her head against a wall for a while.

So with a face full of blah, Luca wandered over to the place where everyone in Rakshek goes when they feel like dogshit on a stick: Bonbertan.

"Masterrr!" Skycat beamed. She bounded and jiggled over to Luca. "I'm so happy to see you I could kill you!"

"Meh. Sure...go ahead," Luca mumbled.

"Mrrow? Gee, Master, you look like dogshit on a stick."

"...Thanks."

"Is there anything I can do to help? Ooh! How about a nice big double chocolate sundae to help cheer up your misbegotten ass?" she said cheerfully.

"Mblghkt!" said Luca, hand going to her mouth.

"No? Hm." Skycat pondered briefly, then pulled out a drink in an odd-looking glass. "Pom Juice For The Butt?" she said, offering it to Luca. "It's a new menu item we're offering - - I thought of it all by myself one day when I was stuck on the toilet with constipation!" she said proudly. "But no one's tried it yet...wanna be the first?"

Luca glared at the drink suspiciously with her baggy eyes. The glass was shaped like a syringe.

"So are you supposed to _drink_ this? Or..."

"Either way. See? Check this out..." Skycat gave a push on the plunger at the bottom of the glass. Some juice came squirting out of the top.

Words failed Luca.

"Oh! What happened to your head?" Skycat said suddenly, noticing the light abrasion on Luca's forehead.

"Huh? Oh. There was this little girl," mumbled Luca vaguely.

"A little girl bashed you over the head?" exclaimed Skycat. "Damn those shimapan-wearing lolis!"

"Um, no..."

"Here, let Mama-cat make it all better..." she said, pulling Luca closer.

"..._Mama-cat?_"

Skycat gave Luca's owwie a long, slow, passionate lick. "Nnnh..." she moaned.

"If you were really my mother this would be disturbing," said Luca. "And your tongue stings."

Skycat pulled away, looking dreamy. A strand of spit trailed from Luca's face to her tongue. "You know...I bet if we shared a nice, long kiss together, too, it'd do wonders for your mood. Whaddya say?" she said softly.

Luca didn't feel like protesting. Even if Skycat had said _Can I shove a bag of potatoes up your Installer Port?_ Luca would still have replied:

"Sure...whatever."

And somewhere, in a far, far corner of Skycat's mind, a tiny voice told her that something must _really_ be wrong with Luca today. But what came out of her mouth was:

"Really? Cooool!"

Sweetly she took Luca by the waist, drew her close, and planted a wet one smack on her lips. Nice and slow. With tongues and all. In the middle of the restaurant. With all the customers watching. Pictures and videos were taken by telecells and rapidly uploaded to image sharing hosts and YouTune for all of Metafalss to see and fap to.

Finally, Skycat came up for air. "How was it?" she said, looking flushed and horny.

"Meh," Luca shrugged.

"Well then let's take it a step further," Skycat said slyly. And taking Luca's hand in her own, she brought it up to a boob for a preliminary squeeze.

"Feel that?" Skycat breathed heavily, encouraging Luca's hand.

"Yeah...it's jiggly," Luca deadpanned, fondling Skycat half-heartedly.

Skycat closed her eyes and made more pleasurable moans. More pics and videos were taken and uploaded. Luca looked bored.

But alas, Skycat's fun couldn't continue. She was still at work, after all. So, releasing Luca's hand, she leaned in and put her lips close to Luca's ear.

"Let's continue this later, shall we?" she said in a soft breath.

Luca's released hand dangled lifelessly beside her. "Yeah...I guess."

Skycat sauntered away. Luca thought she heard moist, squishy noises coming from Skycat's general direction. Somehow it reminded her of something Mrs. Lahr had said about the new Dive Therapy girl - - that she often took girls as clients, too. Well, so did Luca, but only for IPD rehab. Luca wondered if she should start up her own private Dive Therapy practice and start providing _other_ kinds of services for girls, as a way to stay employed. But who would she find willing to try out a girl-girl dive with her?

Well, who else?

"Hey, Skycat...?" Luca called.

"Prrr?" Skycat cooed, turning.

"If I were to let you dive into me for Dive Therapy...would you try it?"

Skycat's smiling face fell flat. She suddenly looked shocked, then disgusted.

"Ew! No! Don't be gross!" she spat. Then she spun around and walked off in a huff.

Luca's face went totally WTF. _'...Whaaa...?'_ was all she could think to herself.

Five minutes later, Luca was still standing in the middle of Bonbertan with a WTF look on her face thinking _Whaaa?_ to herself when naked Jacqli sashayed in, with Nana in tow.

"...was totally like dogshit on a stick!" Nana was saying. "Did you know they make you do crossword puzzles there? And every answer is 'Gergo'? I'm glad you busted me out when you did, Jacqli - - I was starting to have Gergo dreams," she shuddered.

Jacqli wore her standard smirk. "My pleasure. Just doing what I can to subvert the Gergo reign of terror. Like spreading around this Gergo-guro doujin for instance - -" She held out the doujin for Nana to have a look.

Nana averted her eyes. "Blgh. Once was enough for me. I'm already anti-Gergofied anyway, so I don't need to see - -" She then caught sight of WTF Luca. "Oh, look who it is. Huh, this could get awkward."

Yet Jacqli was the type who didn't feel awkward about things - - like being stark naked in public for instance - - so she moseyed right on up to Luca, as yet even more telecell pics and vids were taken from all over the restaurant. "Well, hello there, Miss I-Don't-Have-A-Job-Anymore."

"...Whaaaa...?" Luca croaked weakly, staring blankly into space.

Jacqli waved a hand across Luca's face. No response.

Nana snickered. "Wow, looks like she's gone all Happy-Binary-Field-Land. Can I slug her to snap her out of it?"

Jacqli made a disdainful face. "Don't be so crude. Let's do this with a bit more finesse." And singing a short string of Hymmnos, Jacqli produced an air horn canister out of thin air. She then blew a short burst into Luca's ear.

Luca instantly fell backward onto her butt. Startled, she looked up wild-eyed at Jacqli and Nana.

"Well now, this is appropriate," Jacqli smirked down at Luca. "Someone like you _should_ have to look up to someone like me."

Luca frowned as she regained her senses. "You! Why should I look up to you? You're only gonna destroy your clients' lives!" she said, pointing accusingly at Jacqli.

"And they'll enjoy every minute of it while I suck their H-waves dry," Jacqli grinned happily. "Everybody wins."

"What're you gonna do if your clients get so addicted they can't leave a dive unless you break the integrity of your cosmosphere?"

"Critical Down, oops. Accidents will happen~ ."

"But...the Dive Shop engineers would prevent that!"

"Tsk, tsk...sounds like somebody here's never bribed people to look the other way."

"...You're heartless."

"Oh, come now. I saved poor Nana here from the clutches of Lady Cloche's Gergo Re-education Camp. That wasn't heartless."

"Oh, yeah?" Luca turned to Nana. "Didja ever ask her _why_ she saved you?"

They both declared loudly together: "'Cause we hate Gergo!"

Luca, along with everyone else in Bonbertan, gasped and cringed, fearfully watching out for any nearby Gergo goons.

"Relaaax," Nana said casually. "With Jacqli here, we got nothin' to worry about from those Gergo fuckers."

"...Really?" Luca slowly un-cringed and got to her feet. She then suddenly threw a smile at Jacqli. This time it was Jacqli who cringed.

"Well...may-maybe I was a bit hasty in calling you heartless, then," said Luca. "I mean...I used to think Gergo was cute and all, but Lady Cloche has taken this way too far. And I...I-I can't ever speak openly about how much I hate all this Gergo crap now."

Jacqli looked unimpressed. "Your point?"

"Well...c-could I tag along with you guys...for a while? You know, for protection?"

"Nah. You're a cheese-ass."

Luca's smile fell and she went back to her standard pouty mode. "I'm not a cheese-ass!" she whined. "Nana! Tell her I'm not a cheese-ass!"

"See? What'd I tell ya?" Nana said in an aside to Jacqli.

"Yup. Total cheese-ass," Jacqli affirmed.

"You too, Nana?" Luca whimpered. "B-But...but I thought we were friends."

Nana smiled nastily. "Pwfff. I only went along with you 'cause you were Mrs. Lahr's top bitch. Well now you're just...bitch. Eheeheehee!"

Luca's face went from shock to disappointment to full-on, foot-stamping sulk mode. "Well, fine! No more birthday gifts or New Year's cards from me, then!"

"A jar of umeboshi is not what I'd call a legitimate birthday gift," Nana said.

"It was the thought that counted!" Luca said. "Nice gaps in your teeth, by the way. I wasn't gonna say anything, but now..." Then another thought struck her, and she turned to Jacqli. "Hey! You know this means she's only following you 'cause you're top bitch now, right?"

Jacqli smiled. "I like to think of her more as my pet slave. Nana, stomp on Luca's foot for me."

"Right-o, Master!" Nana said brightly. And she stomped on Luca's foot, hard.

"Ow!"

"Ahahaha! Well that made my day a little happier," Jacqli laughed. "Tell you what, Luca. If you wanna join forces with me, then you should help me spread around this anti-Gergo propaganda." She handed her the doujin.

"Wh-wh-what's this?" Luca said, staring at the cover and looking horrified.

"Gergo-guro, what's it look like? It's designed to make people unable to think about Gergo in a cute way ever again. It's so disgusting that it makes most people spontaneously vomit!" Jacqli said happily. "I can give you 20 copies to start with."

Luca crinkled open the doujin and set her eyes on the first page. She instantly retched, dropped the doujin and rushed off to the bathroom, hand over her mouth. Jacqli and Nana craned their necks, listening for the sound.

"BBloorrrrggh!" _Sploosh._

"Guess she wasn't up for the task, eh Boss?" said Nana.

"For a cheese-ass, though, she's pretty entertaining," chuckled Jacqli.

Inside the bathroom, Luca's sundae was coming up rich, warm and chocolatey. After the last creamy mouthful came out, she slumped down, her face falling in the bowl. She felt herself near the end. Skycat was disgusted with her...Nana had turned against her...she still had no job, no money, no home...and she had just looked upon the single most revolting page of manga she'd ever seen, and now it was permanently implanted in her memory. She didn't think things could sink any lower than this.

Then Skycat's shadow darkened the doorway. Luca lifted her head up, chocolatey goodness dripping from her cheeks.

"First you want me to dive into you," Skycat scowled, "and now here I find you with your face in your own puke. You're _sick_, Luca! You have five minutes to get out of my restaurant before I call the Gergo soldiers!" And again she turned on her heel and walked off in a huff.

Luca just let her face fall back in, bubbles frothing up as she let out a sigh. Once again she was reminded that, yes, things could always sink lower.


	11. Chapter 11

a/n: actually, i've never watched a single episode of _The Rifleman._ i'm not *that* old. _

also, long chapter is long.

**

* * *

Pt 11**

"I can't take it anymore!" the boy cried. "I wanna be a girl!"

"But you _are_ a girl!" dead Cocona said. "Well, practically speaking..."

The boy wandered the forlorn streets of Rakshek, all dolled up like the cutest little loli, short hair tied up in two tiny twintails that looked more like sprouts. But he looked unhappy. Ghostie Cocona floated alongside.

"No, I mean for real! I don't wanna just look like and act like a girl! I wanna _be_ one!"

Cocona facepalmed. This wasn't the first time the boy went into this kind of whiny talk. So quickly she took possession of him to shut him up. "Lookie! Ice cream!" she said, turning his head and pointing his finger in the direction of the nearest ice cream shop. Two minutes later, they sat enjoying a nice little waffle cone, a strawberry-vanilla swirl piled high with a cherry on top.

The boy popped off the cherry, letting it linger deliciously on his outstretched tongue before sweetly enclosing his lips around it and pulling the stem away. Then he slowly licked the ice cream swirl up and down, going in long, smooth strokes. The ice cream relented under his hot breath, warm drips running down its length, but he was careful not to let one drop of it escape his skilled tongue. Finally he enveloped the swirl with his whole mouth, sucking and pulling at the strawberry and vanilla flavors, their sweet artificially-flavored nectar mixing with his own saliva. "Mmmmhh..." he moaned again and again, lost in the pleasures of high fructose corn syrup as the fluids ran down his throat and into his stomach.

"Pwaah!" he said at last, coming up for air. Strawberry and vanilla dripped guiltily from the corners of his mouth, and he was breathing lustily. Cocona was so proud. He was behaving like this all on his own now, without any more coaching from her.

Some creepy old geezer had spotted the boy at the shop and had watched the whole thing. Drooling, he shuffled up to the boy. "Nnhh, nnhh...is yeh the shota-loli what for can do the two-fer-one dives at the Diving Shops like it sez on this here flyer, nnhh?" he asked in a pedophiliac way. He held up said flyer, featuring Cocona and the boy dressed up like twin girls, their smiling faces and rapeable moe-ness looking like they belonged on the cover of an eroge.

Cocona had little tolerance for weirdos. "Eeeeeh~! If you wanted a session why didn'tja just dial my melody on the telecell?" she answered him flatly. So the old geezer pulled out a telecell and dialed the melody on the flyer. Cocona and the boy's own telecell vibrated. Cocona pulled it out from underneath the boy's skirt and flipped it open.

"Hi, stupid," she said, glaring at the geezer.

"I'll pay yeh four times teh askin' price if yeh let me ⨯⨯✕✕ with yer ○○○○ while we △△△△, nnhh." The geezer flashed some high-denomination leaf from his greasy, crinkled hands.

On the other hand, Cocona had a lot of tolerance for cash. "So long as you don't □□□□ all over, you got a deal," she said without even blinking.

And off they traipsed to a Dive Shop. But afterward, though richer, the boy was still whiny. "It's no use," he sighed. "Even if I can let my femininity blossom in the dive sessions, I'm still stuck in a boy's body. I can't go on this way...I just can't...go on..."

So off he climbed to a high, lonely point on the Tower's edge, the perfect place for suicide jumps. There was even a small board on a post near the edge with the heading, "Jumping? Be Counted!" on it, with a number of tally marks beneath, and a permanent marker attached with a string. The boy popped the cap off and added another tally mark.

"Goodbye, cruel world..." he said wimpishly as he stood poised over the precipice...

"Hang on a second!" Cocona blurted. "These days there's people that can _turn_ you into a girl by doing lotsa weird surgery 'n' shit on you, and making you eat girl hormones! You sure you don't wanna give that a try first?"

"It sounds like it'll hurt..."

"Duh, anesthetic? Besides, you never know until you try, eh?"

So off they went to a renowned doctor famous for performing sex changes with lotsa weird surgery 'n' shit. The doctor was built like a fortress of granite. "I don't work on little kids," he grumbled in his heavy voice. "Come back when you're eighteen." Cocona wanted to fart in his office as they left, but even she felt a little intimidated, and decided not to.

Next, they went to a Reyvateil who claimed she could turn people into girls purely with her song magic alone. "I can turn _anything_ into a girl!" she bubbled ditzily as they sat in her tiny apartment residence. "This pen!" And in a flash of song, poof, the fountain pen she was holding had turned into a tiny girl of about the same height. She looked like she could write with her fingers. She also flopped over, dead.

"This box of cereal!" the Reyvateil said again, running and grabbing one from her kitchen. Poof. The box of cereal was now a very small girl with a face like corn flakes, and a dress advertising that she was fortified with essential vitamins and minerals. She too flopped over, dead.

"This hamster!" the Reyvateil cried next, throwing open a cage of hamsters and scooping out one of the cute little furballs. Cocona sprang up and kicked the Reyvateil in the belly button. The Reyvateil said "Goog!" and flew backward as Cocona caught the hamster in midair and then ran for it.

So, hamster in hand, the boy was back at the precipice.

"So it didn't work out," Cocona said. "But look at it this way...if you jump off, who's gonna take care of this cute widdle hamster?"

The boy tossed the hamster over the edge without a second thought.

"KYAAAAAAAAAA!" Cocona screamed.

After the initial shock, there were no words harsh enough for Cocona to express the sudden, pure ragestorm she felt over what the boy just did. Though she did yell, "FUCK! FUCK! FFFUCK! FFFUUUUUUCCCKK!" a lot.

"Can I jump now?"

"FFUCK! FFFUUCKK!"

The boy started giggling. "You're funny." Meanwhile Cocona was furiously trying to push, kick and shove the boy over, but alas, her ghostly self would only pass through his body parts.

"See, you want me to jump, too."

Beads of tears flew from Cocona's eyes. "Piss off! You killed Oxnard!"

"A-hyuk. Is that supposed to be one of those 'You Already Named It?' jokes?" He turned to face the Sea. "Well, anyway...thanks for helping me make all the money. And for introducing me to girlhood. It was fun while it lasted." Turning to Cocona one last time, he raised his voice to a cutesy, girly pitch and beamed, "_Ja! Mata ne!_" with a smile and a wink. And off he leaped into the Sea, soaring through the air like a cinderblock.

"Not likely!" Cocona yelled after him. "And enjoy all your breakfasts of fried maggots and poo chips, pal!" She then slumped down as the wind went _hwoooo_ around her. Just her, the wind, the sky, and the "Jumping?" sign were all that remained on that lonely Tower's edge. Visions of murdered Gergos flitted through her mind.

"Phoo. Guess I'll have to go find somebody else to possess now. But first..._snif_...I'm gonna go find a place to cry..." And off she floated, sobbing and blubbering and every now and then saying things like, "The poor little Ham-Ham," and, "I'm gonna go eat some sunflower seeds in honor of his memory...oh wait, I can't. Fuck. _Snnniff._"

Ten minutes later, Luca came stumbling along onto the high, lonely point on the Tower's edge. Bedraggled, dirty, and stinky, she bore all the signs of a girl who'd lost everything through no fault of her own, yet still blamed herself for every bit of it.

"My life is worthless..." she mumbled to herself. "I don't matter to anyone anymore...I can't go on...I just can't...eh? What's this?"

Looking over the "Jumping?" sign with her mind sunk deep in depressive sludge, she stared at it for a full two minutes before comprehending. Finally she took the pen and, popping off the cap, added another tally mark. Melodramatically, she put a tally mark on her own face as well. Then she raised her snivelly voice to the wind to proclaim her epitaph to the sky.

"Goodbye, cruel - - BUUURRRPP!" she involuntarily belched with gusto. Humiliated, she buried her face in her hands. "I can't even _die_ with dignity!" she sobbed. And so, dispensing with the wangsty drama, she simply hopped off the edge to plummet into the cloudy Sea. At the very same time, a hot pink airship came cruising along at high speed. Luca's strange and weird thoughts in her final moments - - about how time all around her had seemed to slow down, and about how she found herself remembering things she thought she had forgotten long ago - - were abruptly cut short as the airship smashed into her with perfect precision. Spectacularly her body flew apart into Reyvateil bits, underscoring the fact that, yes, Luca could not die with dignity. However, having technically kicked the bucket by airship and not by suicide, she was thus saved from a fate of eternal breakfasts of fried maggots and poo chips.

"I think we bumped into something," Shun said aboard the airship.

"What makes you say that?" Chester sobbed, looking tearfully at his fallen house of cards. It had collapsed when they felt the jolt. It was the largest one he'd ever made, too.

Shun trotted on up to the airship's bridge. "Hey Target-boy, did we just bump into..." But Targana wasn't piloting the ship. He was snuggled in a beanbag in the corner, watching ancient episodes of _The Rifleman_ on a portable Telemo.

"WHO'S FLYING THE AIRSHIP?" Shun squealed in a panic.

"Autopilot," Targana said with a casual wave of his hand. Yet suddenly, Targana leapt to his feet. "Hey, Shuny! Check this out!" And holding an imaginary rifle, with the portable Telemo at his side like the rifle stock, he squeezed off a rapid salvo of make-believe rounds. He even provided the sound effects.

"Pow-pow-pow-pow-pow-pow-pow-pow-pow-pow-pow-powww!"

He then swung his rifle around to cock it, adding a "Ch-chkt!" sound effect as he attempted to twirl the Telemo in the air. He fumbled it. It hit the floor with a thunk, and the screen fuzzed and went out.

"Dammit."

Shun was still jittery. "B-But, but, but-but b-but...sh-sh-shouldn't you still, like, be monitoring some screens or consoles or something and making sure all the blinky little lights and numbers are all happy and stuff?"

Targana was dismissive. "Meh. The autopilot usually does a good enough job."

And turning to look out upon the airship's forward view, both he and Shun saw a massive section of Pastalia's underbelly approaching them at 400 mph.

"WAAAAUGGHH!" they screamed together. Thirteen pulse-pounding seconds later, Targana let out a sigh of relief, having corrected their course. "Well, that'll get the ol' blood pumping, eh?" he giggled. Shun lay crumpled on the floor, making "G-g-g-g-g" noises while spastically chewing on his Frelia plushie.

Just then Chester popped in. "Did I miss anything? I heard you guys go 'Waaaugh!' and so I wondered if wha-wha-why does Shun look like a dying sardine?"

Targana smirked casually. "Meh, he just needs to relax. After all, we're getting ready to meet up with Our Majestic Mistress of Nifty Green Shoes in about half an hour. He should be thinking about that instead."

Chester stared at the quivering Shun.

"...Well, what's he thinking about now?"

Targana picked up his Telemo and his imaginary rifle. "Hey, Chet! Check this out! Pow-pow-pow-pow-pow-pow-pow - -"

Meanwhile, Frelia had found herself a nice, cozy spot on one of the faraway mountains of Ar Ciel. With nothing but mountain beneath her, the Sea of Death far below, and the Tower far off in the distance, she stretched her limbs and wings and drank in the silence.

"Ahh...peace and quiet at last..."

It wasn't long though before she heard the distant roar of the approaching airship. She sat up abruptly. Her green gaze fell on the hot pink hot rod.

"Fucking Pom shit! Can't a girl say 'Fuck it!' without everybody trying to come to her rescue?" she raged, pulling on her antennae and stomping her heels. She sprang to her feet. "All right! You wanna see an angry Goddess? Getcher asses ready to be broomsticked by the true power of Ar Tonelico!"

And summoning the full strength of her sparkly Administrator powers, she su'd to root and commanded the Tower to charge up a godly blast of pure kill aimed straight at the puny airship. The half-finished Tower obeyed and began rumbling deep within its innards to fulfill its Lady's wishes...only to start grinding sickly halfway through, then sputtering and smoking. Frelia saw an unexpected flash, then heard the faraway pop as a small explosion on the Tower sent up a cute billowing cloud of black smoke. And for the finishing touch, she watched as the tall, thin spire of Sol Marta snapped in two and slowly, slowly fell the long distance down into Metafalss and crashed somewhere near Sasha's General Store.

"Fuck me with Shurelia dicks..." she said miserably.

Yet the damage to the Tower was not without damage to her own body, and two seconds later her insides gave a nasty twist on her pain receptors. Frelia said something like "Hgigt!" and hit the ground.

So when Shun and company found her face down in the dirt, Shun gushed tears. "My Lady!" he whined. "Who did this to you?"

"...Cheap labor," Frelia mumbled through a faceful of mountain. "And stop staring at my butt."

"I wasn't staring at your butt!" said Shun, taking his eyes off Frelia's butt.

Chester, meanwhile, continued gleefully staring. _Heh. Least she didn't tell_ me _to stop._

"You too, glasses-boy."

_Rat fritters._

After they picked her up against her will and endured a colorful rainbow of nasty insults while setting her down onto Targana's comfy big beanbag aboard the airship, the others left Frelia and Shun to themselves to talk in private, and Targana showed Chester a handy spot where they could eavesdrop undetected on any voices in the bridge. Shun sat by Frelia's side, with a dopey look of concern on his face.

Frelia narrowed her eyes at him. "The fuck happened to your fur color? You're turquoise."

"Yellow No. 5," mumbled Shun. "B-But more importantly," he spluttered, "what's happened to _you,_ my Lady? I-I mean, this isn't like you. Why did you leave me? And why is it that you say 'fuck' every other sentence now?"

"Fuck, I dunno."

She lay her head back and stared vaguely at the ceiling. Shun uneasily scratched at some fleas.

"Didn't ya ever stop and think about everything...about all the people and places and weird shit around you...and didn't ya ever just take a look around at it all and say to yourself, 'Eh, fuck it'...?" Frelia mused bitterly in her sweet voice.

"Um...well, maybe sometimes. But that doesn't mean I go running off, just because I had some thoughts like that. I mean...what would people think? What would they say?"

Frelia glared sourly at him. "Damn, you're a coward."

Shun clutched heroically at his Frelia plushie. "It's not about being a coward! It's about responsibility...and leadership...and, and, making sure things are running groovy for all the people who depend upon the Tower for their survival."

"Well the Song Server just fell on the Rim, so I don't think things'll be running groovy anymore. Can I go now, Daddy?" Frelia mouthed off.

"But waitaminnit, how can you just..." Shun hesitated. "I mean...i-if nothing else, then...what about...me?"

"What _about_ you?"

"Well...we've been together a long time. A _reeeeeally_ long time. And I mean...are you just gonna throw all that away? Can you really walk away so easily from these past 700 years?"

For an instant Frelia looked as though she wanted to shove a Lilalulu Wand up Shun's nose. Yet, in the quiet moments that followed, her expression suddenly softened. She cast her eyes downward. She didn't speak, and she looked troubled. For the first time in many wacky days, Shun saw something in her eyes other than cold, blood-splattering violence. His heart went doki-doki.

At length, Frelia suddenly sat up. She turned to the doggie.

"Shuny...can I show you something?" she said softly, getting to her feet.

"Sure...anything, my Butterfly Ball," replied Shun. "But, but aren't you still in pain?"

"I'm fine," she said, walking toward the bridge exit. Shun followed. Together they disembarked and, with Frelia leading the way, and with Targana and Chester secretly following, headed toward a scenic bluff on the mountain.

"Can you sing, Shuny?" Frelia asked him as they walked.

Shun was a bit puzzled by the question. "Er, well...yeah, I guess."

"Then sing for me."

"...What - - now?"

"Yes."

"Uhh...okay."

Noisily clearing out the juicy phlegm from his throat, Shun proceeded to sing in a broken nasal whine. "_Was yea - -_"

"Stop!" Frelia clapped her hands over her ears.

"...Well, you asked for it," pouted Shun. "You know I don't sing on a regular basis."

"Exactly," said Frelia. "You talk about all this time we've been together, all this time we've had, but still...in the end..." Her voice lowered to a sadder tone.

They reached the scenic bluff Frelia had wanted to show him. Ar Ciel lay spread out before them across the horizon. The Tower stood tall in the midst of the endless deadly Sea below. The sun was low in the sky, with the soft Cello Moon rising early above. It was a perfect sunset. Aside from the thin trail of wispy smoke now rising from somewhere near Sasha's General Store.

"In the end...I'm the one who has to sing for all this," she finished glumly.

Shun wasn't particularly surprised by her words, though. It felt to him as if she were merely stating the obvious. "Well...yeah. You _are_ the Jolly Green Goddess, after all."

Frelia turned to him with a face like stale moldy bread.

"Okay, scratch the 'Jolly' part."

"At least you sound like you have some understanding of how alone I truly am," Frelia murmured.

"Huh? No, you're not. I'm right here. I've always been by your side. And then you also have the mikobots, and Target-boy and Chester...well, maybe we'd be better off without Chester, actually...and oh yeah, don't forget the other Administrators, and - -"

"But look out there!" Frelia said, motioning to the realm before them. "This...this is all just...a-and me, I..." Her voice trailed off.

Shun thought that perhaps he knew what his Mistress was trying to say. He wanted to find some words to encourage her, but he needed to gather a thought or two first. He stepped forward a couple of paces, taking in the wide expanse before them, his Mistress at his back as he searched for inspiration...searched for a way to calm her self-doubt.

It was at precisely that moment that Frelia seized the opportunity to kick Shun off the bluff. Her eyes ignited with frenzy as she slammed her foot into his butthole.

"Burf!" said Shun, briefly sailing through the air before hitting dirt and tumbling end over end down the mountainside saying things like, "Oof! Oog! Ow! Argh!"

"SUCKER!" Frelia shrieked with murderous glee. "You always were a fuck-ass, Shuny-poo! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!"

Just then, Chester popped up from his hiding place behind a boulder, screaming like a naked loli. "EEEEEEEEK! I'll save you, Shuny-poo!" Running like mad down the mountainside to the rescue, Chester stumbled, tripped, then fell and began tumbling end over end down the mountainside saying things like, "Oof! Oog! Ow! Argh!"

"Well shit...there goes two fuck-asses," Frelia smiled to herself. Turning around to take her leave, she bumped breasts-first into Targana's shiny chest. Targana grabbed her and hoisted her into the air.

"Woo-hoo-hoo! Let's all go a-tumblin' down the mountain! It lookeh like such funsies!" Targana gushed with pathological joy. So he flung Frelia off the bluff. Frelia spread her wings and stopped herself in midair. She turned to him with every blood vessel in her eyes screaming green murder.

Forty-three seconds later, Targana was hollering "Aauuaauaaauuauaauua..." while soaring into orbit with a dent smashed into his fanny that matched Frelia's shoe size perfectly. As he hurtled on past Infel Phira, two lovers inside the old custom-built server heard his strange vocalizations. Their intimate private time was interrupted.

"Mmhh...wh-what's that noise?" breathed Nenesha from beneath Infel.

"I don't - -" Infel panted, before being suddenly startled by the presence of the author's narrative. She gasped with shock and defensively yanked the bedsheets to protect their modesty. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" she bellowed at the author. "And what are you doing with this fic? This is NOT the insanely stupid fic I was talking about in Chapter 9 of Suckage of Metafalss! It's even worse! And how much longer do you plan to - -"

When suddenly, Infel spontaneously exploded, because there was not supposed to be any breaking of the fourth wall in this fic.

Poor Nenesha got showered by the precious fluids of the closest friend and lover she'd ever known. Witnessing one's own closest friend and lover suddenly exploding into precious fluids tends to do crazy things to a person's mind.

And so, Nenesha went murderously insane.

"BYAAAGHRGKHKEEGHTKBLBL!" Nenesha screamed, gibbering madly as she magically suited up in a camo-version of her standard dress, complete with fuchsia combat boots, then stormed on down to Metafalss to wreak blind mayhem and pure destruction.

Meanwhile, somewhere near Sasha's General Store, Raki and Reki had just finished crawling out of the smoking wreckage of Sol Marta.

"Hoo! Now _that's_ what I call a real server crash! Ehehe!" Reki bubbled happily. Raki pulled out a high-powered weapon and blew Reki's head off for the stupid pun.


End file.
